I used to have this patternof seeking approval: I’d spend so much time trying to fit into places or be around people where I wasn’t wanted or welcome. My mother-in-law springs to mind! I tried many ways to connect with her, but it never worked; something was always wrong. I took a long time to figure out what was happening there.
My lower cauldron nervous system was wired to seek out people who didn’t like me (i.e. a mirror of how I felt my parents didn’t like me much). I would unconsciously set a challenge to MAKE THEM like/love me.
If I could win their approval, I’d be safe. I’d finally have the approval I needed to be worthy.
I did this in so.many.relationships… and this way of living was exhausting; it disconnected me from many parts of myself.
Over time, I started to unlearn this. I began to seek and find relationships where my whole, unmasked self was welcomed—where I didn’t feel like I had to shrink, shape-shift, or work extra hard to belong.
The Shift
This shift wasn’t easy. I had to do three things.
- It only happened when I stopped taking rejection so personally. (Check out the 4 agreements for more on this)
- I had to start untangling the heavy layers of shame that told me I had to earn my worth. (Lower Cauldron work in The Cauldrons Way will help you with this)
- I had to dive into my shadow and see that I unconsciously re-created unhealthy parental constellations over and over – and then I had to break that cycle by removing ‘friendships’ from my life. Terrifyingly difficult yet ultimately empowering.
Shame
Shame lives in the lower cauldron—where we carry our deepest instincts and emotions, including our sense of safety and belonging. When shame sits there too long, it whispers lies like “You’re not enough,” “You don’t belong,” and “Work harder to be loved.”
Healing the lower cauldron means learning to separate your worth from external approval. It means asking:
- Am I staying in spaces or relationships because they nourish me, or because I’m trying to prove I belong?
- What does my body feel like when I’m around people who do want me as I am?
- How much energy is spent trying to control how others see me?
This work helps you stop over-interpreting rejection and instead tune into where your energy flows freely—toward safety and connection, not survival mode.
Take a moment with your lower cauldron. Close your eyes, breathe, and ask yourself:
- Where in my life are I trying to fit, rather than flow?
- How does my body feel with people who truly see me?
- What would change if I stopped chasing belonging and instead let it find me?
Listen
The lower cauldron carries more wisdom than we often give it credit for. When you listen to it and let shame begin to release, how you move through the world can change.
When you process and release shame, then the Middle Cauldron work begins… You start choosing relationships where you can be. You bring boundaries to bear… you say No when you mean No and hold to that.
Internal Freedom is real, and this work is a critical aspect of finding it.
🧡 Does this resonate with you?
🧡 How have you worked with this in your life?