Struggle with Boundaries? Here are some boundary statements to help this festive season:
First, remember that healthy boundaries are a pathway to intimate, meaningful and trusting relationships… they really can change your world!
How other people feel about and react to your boundaries is not your responsibility. But give people a bit of time and a smidge of empathy – unexpected change can be hard for others.
We’re looking for a balance.
»» Empathy without Boundaries = self-destruction ««
»» Boundaries without Loving Communication = destructive to others ««
Speaking up when you should is the opposite of lying and abandoning yourself.
Communicating with those you love can go a long way to avoiding confusion and fear. (Examples below)
If folks won’t work with you, you have a choice to make 🥰
Effective boundaries, where you no longer abandon yourself for the sake of others, are a fast form of Power Retrieval and one I can’t recommend enough 🙏
Here’s a helpful list of statements to memorise (and practise in front of the mirror!!)
When making changes with people you love
I love you, so I must be honest about what I need.
I’m making some changes in my life for my well-being, and I hope you can support me in this journey.
I understand this might be difficult for you to accept, but it’s crucial for my growth.
I value our relationship, so I’m telling you about these changes.
I’m setting new boundaries for myself, and I hope you can respect them as you respect me.
I’m taking steps to improve my life, and I’d love for you to be a part of that healthily for both of us.
I’m focusing on my spiritual growth right now and need space to do that.
I’m committed to making changes that align with my values and beliefs, even if it means we might disagree on some things.
I’m working on becoming the best version of myself, and I hope you’ll be there to see it.
I’m reassessing my priorities, and I hope you can understand if I need to adjust how we interact.
I’m going through a transformative phase, and I need your love and support, not your judgment.
I’m making these changes not just for me but for the health of our relationship.
I’m taking this new path seriously, and I would appreciate your understanding and support.
I’m not asking for your approval but for your respect as I make these changes.
I love you enough to be honest about what I need, even if it’s hard for us.
When you disagree with someone
• I disagree with that statement/approach/assessment.
• I speak as I find.
• I appreciate hearing your opinion, but I’m not prepared to change my mind on this.
• Can you please explain your reasoning on this?
• That has not been my experience.
• I’m intrigued by what you’re saying, though I’m unsure how it would work.
• I would like it if we could agree to disagree.
• I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about [my boundaries/house workload/our parenting styles]. I want to hear your thoughts and share mine as well.
• I agree that there are things I’ve contributed to this. I’d also like to look at the bigger picture because I think several other areas are important for us to understand to be able to change things.
Saying no to a request for help
• I am long on tasks and short on time. So I can’t help you with this.
• I know I said yes, but I had not considered the other things I have going on. I can’t add anything else to my mental load.
• I understand the urgency, but this is not something I can take on right now.
• I need to keep my money for my bills and can’t lend it to you.
When someone is trying to wear you down
• I’d like to take a break and return to this in a few hours after we’ve both had time to think.
• I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so focusing on what you’re saying is hard. I would like to take a break and discuss this later.
• I’m surprised by all this, and it’s a lot to take in. I want to take some time to think about it and digest what you’ve said. Let’s come back to it tomorrow.
• OK, we’re deadlocked. We both need to agree on this, and we don’t. Your solution is that I should give in. That doesn’t feel fair to me. On the other hand, I don’t know how to break this deadlock, so we’ve got to figure it out. What’s a fair and efficient way to decide when we disagree?
• I’m not prepared to discuss this any longer. Let’s take a break so I can collect my thoughts.
When someone knows how to push your buttons
• I’m putting my needs first, and you won’t make me feel guilty.
• I don’t feel like I have a chance to voice my opinion.
• I feel shut out when you take over the conversation.
• I understand how you feel. But now it’s time to talk about how I feel.
• I feel undermined when you bring this up in front of everyone. Next time, please talk to me about it in private.
• I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk to [my mom/your mom/mutual friends /your co-workers] about my private life.
• I’m an adult and capable of making my own decisions
• My reasons are personal, and I don’t have to explain them to you.
• I have my reasons.
• I’m not obligated to explain myself to you.
• I prefer not to say.
• I’m confident in my decisions.
• I won’t allow you to use guilt to control me.
• My feelings are equally important, not less important, than yours.
• If you choose to ignore me, that’s your problem, not mine.
• I can see that you’re worried about me, but I’m an adult and can make my own decisions.
When someone gives you unsolicited advice
• I’m grateful for your advice, but will try something else.
• You’ve given me a lot to think about. Thanks.
• That may have been the case in your situation. But in this situation, I’m dealing with elements you are unaware of.
• I understand why you think that might work. But here’s why it won’t.
• I appreciate why you think you have more experience in [parenting/marketing/cooking] but I have more experience with my personal situation.
• I’m confused about why that would be a better solution.