On Being Seen
I hear talk of many different angles of ‘being seen’.
Some folks struggle with vulnerability and feel judged by others day to day.
I work with clients and students on their social media presence.
Other than the ethics of social media, the main issue they face is disliking (or sometimes fearing) creating videos of themselves talking online.
People Pleasing
People-pleasing is also a form of ‘being seen ’. If you are helpful and ‘nice ’, you can avoid uncomfortable conflicts – where you have to be properly seen.
Imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and low self-worth are other sneaky ways the fear of being seen shows up.
Looking back at my own story, and what clients and students have shared with me over the years, a handful of patterns keep recurring, and I see a formula.
- Parents who set exceptionally high standards and focus on mistakes teach a child that being looked at closely means being found lacking.
- Being bullied or severely criticised in formative years by either parents or peers. Each time the child is noticed, whether by speaking up, trying to join in or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time, ridicule or cruelty follows.
- When parental affection is unpredictable, the child can’t know whether being noticed will bring warmth or rejection.
- In homes affected by parental illness, serious family dysfunction or addiction, children often take on adult responsibilities, and secrecy becomes part of the job. Being noticed by teachers, neighbours, or other adults risks questions, and questions risk exposing the family.
And the formula is:
Being NOTICED = BAD
Staying INVISIBLE = GOOD
Unpicking this can be a long road. I find it helpful to soothe the child (or teenager or adult) within who fears being seen. Remind that part of yourself that they aren’t in that situation today.
This is first Lower Cauldron work, so go easy if you’re new to it.
After a while of soothing, you can try soothing then acting (make that video, go to the new book club alone or try something you’re not good at, just because) 🧡
Who is on or has been on this road? Fancy sharing your story and realisations?