What is a sticky compliment?
Oh, your house is so clean, you must think I’m a real mess!
Your cooking is amazing, I wish I could cook as well as you.
A sticky compliment is a demand in disguise.
These types of comments have negative self-talk attached, and they demand your labour – asking you to comfort or validate in some way.
Here’s why people do this:
- They may be seeking validation without directly asking for it.
- They might feel insecure and are using comparison to measure their worth.
- They may not even realize they are fishing for reassurance.
- Some people were raised in environments where self-deprecation was the norm, making it feel like a socially acceptable way to communicate.
Responding in a Sovereign way means resisting the pull to step into a caretaker role while still maintaining kindness and connection.
This is middle Cauldron work so it might be tricky if you’re still working on your lower cauldron and that’s ok, bear it in mind for when it feels right for you to change how you respond.
Here are some responses that hold your ground:
Reflect it back without taking responsibility:
- “Oh, is that how you feel? I think we all have our strengths in different areas.”
- “Hmm, I hadn’t thought about it that way. What makes you say that?”
Reply without giving reassurance:
- “I appreciate you saying that”
Set a boundary with warmth:
- “I love keeping my space clean, but it doesn’t mean I expect others to do the same – that makes me feel a little bad that you’d assume I think you’re a mess”
- “Cooking brings me joy, I’d be happy to show you some dishes if you’d like to improve”
These types of responses can help you sidestep the demand for emotional labour.
🥰 Is this post a topic you find helpful?
🤩 Do you find yourself doing this?
🙃 Will this help you shift how you communicate?