We’ve all come into contact with someone who displays narcissistic tendencies.

We’ve likely displayed some of these tendencies ourselves at some point in our lives. 

But did you know that there’s more than one type of narcissist? 

We call the narcissists we tend to know and love ‘overt narcissists’, and the traits they tend to display are well known. 

But there’s another type. 

The covert narcissist – and they are much harder to spot. 

In this episode, we’re going to do a deep dive into covert narcissists, and how we can work with that energy shamanically. 

When I found out what the traits of a covert narcissist were, a light-bulb went on! 

I realised that a couple of the more challenging relationships in my life were with covert narcissists. 

Previously, I didn’t see them for what they were, and their needy, victim energy played to my saviour tendencies. 

Realising what I have been dealing with was like a breath of fresh air. 

Once I had a map for understanding these relationships (one family, one friend), I moved past my confusion and made some changes.

 I no longer have a relationship with either of these people. 

That might seem a bit harsh, but I’ve tried many tactics to improve the connections over the years, all to no avail. When I realised what I was dealing with, I also realised that the CN rarely changes. They usually can’t see past their own constructed, false sense of self.

And while I have deep compassion for the individual who has to live in that space (usually due to their own Overtly Narcissistic parents or other traumas), it’s not my job to put up with this energy or behaviour.

I moved on. 

So, this is what I’ve discovered:

Covert Narcissists don’t utilise the same tactics as their Overt counterparts.

Covert narcissists are much more passive-aggressive in their approach. 

They may use tears when questioned or confronted – unable to have discussions about their behaviour. Often, they will tell you that you don’t understand their suffering. 

They usually appear needy and dependant, but their agenda is to avoid the attention going elsewhere.

Some things to watch for:

✅ It will never be their fault.

✅ ️A covert narcissist is never there for you, even in your most vulnerable and needy moments.

✅ This person will always be the Victim.

✅ ️They never see you. Your need, your love, your pain, your loneliness, your accomplishments. Everything will be about them.

✅  covert narcissists are often angry at you and use techniques like the Silent Treatment to punish you. The silent treatment can go on for days or weeks at a time, especially if you’ve pointed out a flaw.

✅  ️When you finally break away from this relationship (romantic or otherwise), a CN will make up stories about you, so they remain the Victim, thus maintaining attention on them.

✅  You do everything possible for your relationship, and they do nothing.

️✅  You feel drained and helpless, like you’re going around in circles.

✅  When you confront a covert narcissist, they make you feel that you are to blame for all the issues through tears, anger, blame, shame, guilt.

One last point there is a spectrum here. Most people who display these traits would not be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder – but instead, they display tendencies on a spectrum.

It’s up to you to discern what is right for you and what your values and boundaries are. What are you willing to ‘put up’ with?

 I spent time in ceremony and journeying with my Guides to help me make my decisions. I also spoke to trusted friends who helped me to see through the fog and confusion I felt. I spent time in a healing space to clear my body and home of the energy that was left.

Ultimately, through my Shamanic & Spiritual practice, I’ve been empowered to make the best choices for myself in this life. As soon as I realised the problem, I dipped into my toolkit and made some profound changes. 

I’ve moved past my shame and guilt and have my eyes thoroughly forward – no looking back!

And I feel great!!