What am I doing wrong?
I’d been wading through yet another self-help author waxing lyrical on self-esteem. I was highlighting passages, taking notes, and, I thought, doing the internal work I was supposed to be doing.
It was a Tuesday morning, nothing special about it, really, when I found myself staring out my kitchen window with my cup of coffee going cold, instead of reading the book in my hand.
Yet, I felt exactly the same as I had this time last year.
It struck me that I was tired of being stuck in my head, turning thoughts over and over like stones in a tumbler, hoping they’ll somehow polish themselves into something shiny and new.
I was sick of waiting for some internal shift that would magically make me feel differently about myself.
Rather frustratedly, I threw the book on the counter and looked at the pile of dishes I’d been avoiding. And something in me just thought, what if I just… do these?
So I did.
Twenty minutes later, with my hands in warm, soapy water, I felt something shift because I’d stopped circling around the idea of being someone who takes care of their space and just… became that person for a few minutes.
That’s when I started to understand something that changed everything for me.
I can’t build self-esteem without doing esteemable things.
The scary email you’ve been drafting in your head for three weeks? Hitting send builds something in you that no amount of positive affirmation ever could. The difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding, the one that makes your stomach clench when you think about it… having it, even messily, creates a kind of self-respect that reading about conflict never will.
I’m thinking about the small things too. The smile you give a stranger in the grocery store or the decision to go for a walk when your body’s been asking for movement.
These moments count. They add up, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Recently, I had to have one of those conversations… you know the kind.
The one where you have to tell someone that something they’re doing isn’t working for you. I rehearsed it in my mind about forty times. I imagined every possible response.
Of course, I nearly talked myself out of it because maybe it wasn’t that big a deal and I was being too sensitive… maybe I should just let it go?
But I didn’t let it go.
I had the conversation, and it was bone-crushingly awkward.
But when it was over, something had shifted in how I saw myself because I’d done a hard thing. I’d valued myself enough to speak up.
That’s not something you can get from journaling about your feelings or releasing ancestral patterns. As much as I’d love that to be true, it isn’t…the only thing that works is DOING HARD THINGS.
Building self-esteem is cumulative. Much like compound interest in a savings account, except what you’re depositing isn’t money. You’re saving up those moments when you show up for yourself or others until one day you realise, sometimes quite suddenly, that you ARE the person you wish to be.
The point is that you’re actively participating in your life rather than waiting to feel good about yourself first.
We’ve been taught to look for the big transformation. The breakthrough moment. The sudden shift where everything falls into place, and suddenly we wake up feeling confident and worthy and whole.
But that’s not how it works, is it?
I used to think I needed to heal all my wounds before I could feel good about myself. AKA clear all the trauma, understand all the patterns, and fix everything that felt broken. And while those healing steps matter, I was using them as a reason to postpone actually living.
What’s the one esteemable thing you’ve been putting off? The conversation? The task? The small act of self-care? The scary leap?
What if this week, instead of reading another book about becoming the person you want to be, you just… do one thing your future self would do?
And then do another thing tomorrow.
And another the day after that.
Let me know how it goes 🧡