The difference between empathy and emotional labour
I’m an empathic and empathetic person.
I have always tried to understand why people are unkind, cruel, bullying, passive-aggressive, overly sharp, unfeeling, or thoughtless… to me, to others, or to themselves.
But I had to learn the difference between empathy and emotional labour.
Empathy means I feel with you. Emotional labour means I carry what’s yours so you don’t have to. I was doing a lot of the second thing and calling it the first.
My past made me unconsciously carry the emotional baggage of other people, and it resulted in a screwed-up lower cauldron, physical illness, and an inability to move forward on my healing path.
I was stuck in resentment, anger, irritation, and confusion about what I was dealing with emotionally. Because a large percentage of what I was dealing with wasn’t even mine.
Of course, it was confusing!
After a particularly challenging experience, I realized my compassionate soul was overcompensating for people who lack the capacity to be responsible adults. I was doing most of the emotional labour in a friendship and losing myself in the process.
So I had to learn to stop making myself responsible for other people’s emotions and reactions.
I stopped making excuses for why someone treated me badly and instead started setting appropriate boundaries.
I stopped worrying about how people might react to what I was going to say.
It feels uncomfortable at first. Deeply uncomfortable. Because when you’ve spent years softening and loosening yourself for other people’s comfort, it’s painfully unfamiliar to harden yourself to the point that you can stand upright in a world that would have you stooped and cowering.
I stopped over-explaining myself.
I stopped shrinking.
Yet, I’m still compassionate.
I now choose empathy over emotional labour, which, in turn, allows me to choose forgiveness over resentment. My life is considerably more peaceful.
Can anyone relate? 🥰